Sobering up to the beauty of living

Life has a way of throwing torpedo’s into the middle of your gut, leaving a gaping hole out the backside of your soul. It is not expected, it never is in fact the majority of the time the human race, myself included is walking around stoned. Yep, stoned on the small insignificant details of our little bitty lives. So drugged on the lack of money, the stress with a boss or co-worker, the lawn not being mowed correctly or the low credit score. Maybe its school and the focus on excellent grades, the over achiever active and alive, drunk on the concept that tomorrow it will be better. 

Well I have news, and its good or bad depending on how you look at it. The world does not revolve around our small bitty lives, the numbers or lack there of in our bank accounts. In fact it doesn’t even consider the A or F you got in Physics or philosophy class. I will tell you why, why the torpedo took out the middle of my soul, why I have a huge gaping hole in the middle of my heart. 

While drugged and focused on the insignificant elements of my life, including survival because that is all I knew how to do, I lost track of my family that wanted me around. I did not stay in touch with my cousins, my great uncle or even my dads brother because he was odd or homeless some where. It barely crossed my mind, because I was struggling to survive, I was making the excuses that I had to go back to school, get the grades, and scrimp by on every little penny. 

And suddenly, my world came crashing down, not because of my divorce, or the fact I was sleeping on my families couches or in friends corner rooms. No it came crashing down when my beloved great uncle, mentor, confident and everything I admired and respected suddenly died of a stroke. Staggering under the weight of this huge loss, the guilt of not being there more often or at least writing a letter to say aloha and thank you for all the wonderful things you taught me growing up. Struggling to get back on track with school and performing as a circus hound through the maze I thought that maybe I would make it, I would not cry myself to sleep at night as often. 

But the universe has lessons we need to learn, at least I did when the following summer my dads brother suddenly passed in Hawaii. Now we were in touch with that side of the family, trying to work logistics and how things would get done. I was willing to go to hawaii even if I had to sell my soul to help her and my cousin Wilbert. But that did not work nor fall into place and so we said goodbye via a cell phone.  

You would think by now I would be awake, I would know what I needed or why things were happening this way. But when one is drugged and struggling to just make ends meet, pull things together with school, family, children, dogs, marriage etc. everything else ceases to exist. I am finding the human mind is resistant to change, our hearts find it difficult to believe that there is more to this life than fear. The drug of fear disguised as stress, anxiety, weight gain or loss, health problems or other such things comes back to the fact that we are scared shitless! We can’t wake up with out fear, it rules everything we do and say because we believe the lie and so we drug ourselves on control. If I control this, work harder for more numbers in my account, for higher grades on my transcripts etc. and we stagger as drunks, completely intoxicated down the road of life. 

Meanwhile, the beautiful elements of the universe we completely ignore, or we do not see as we lay in the ditch of stress and frustration covered in our own vomit of self loathing, hate, guilt and what ever else we are dragging around our necks. 

Driving to Oregon two weeks ago for another relatives funeral who happened to die on my birthday, a tapping on the shoulder that the torpedo was coming. Even though I was starting to wake up, to see life outside the ditch of fear, I did not hear the high pitched whine of destruction heading my way. No more than a week later, I receive the call that my youngest cousin was in the hospital with possible cancer. 

Wham! I felt my soul begin to cave as more information came in and than suddenly he was gone. The repercussion of the implosion has rocked my world, the points of view I have held for so long. Suddenly nothing else matters, absolutely nothing of insignificant detail. My lack of funds, the stress of kids, husband, house or hound dogs, no what matters is that believing the lie of fear ends. 

Suddenly sober, everything within myself fell into place, my life’s odyssy is crystal clear, I have pulled myself out of the ditch of drunken fear and denial and am now swallowing the pill of 17 plus years of oblivion to everyone except for myself, my own pain, own mourning, own fears and anxieties, my own self centered world and stupidity.  A world of regret exists in my past and all the things I could have said or done which the lesson is, can not be changed. 

I can only change today, where hope exists and Wilber, Jacob and Uncle will not be forgotten. I can envision a place where people with illness of mind, body or soul can come to connect to themselves and learn the lessons in order to heal themselves. My sisters and I have seen it, we have been there in our dreams and now our goal is clear. 

 the number one lesson: Sober up to the moment, live in the now, absorb the beauty of the day, do not loose site of the yellow flowers in bloom next to the house, or the succulent flavor of a fresh guava in the morning with breakfast. Sink into the moment, and begin to plant the seeds into the fertile soil of ones mind. A fertile ground where one has the ability to completely create the life that is desired, free of fear, guilt or self loathing. Letting go of the noose around our necks, the whips that we hold in order to punish ourselves for every little misdeed that does not lead to perfection. Instead, embracing the truth that, 1. The universe has provided for our every need, I just need to be present. I am safe within the moment and have the capability to deal with what ever comes my way. I am prosperous and deserving of prosperity in all its forms. My life is no longer dictated by what I do not have, instead my life is a constant choice to embrace my family, our Ohana in all its shapes and sizes, colors and interesting elements. 

And that Aloha, to love as you would desire to be loved, approaching this life and its different beings, entities, shapes, colors and expressions with love, ones life will be beautiful. 

I need a lover or grow an extra pair of arms and legs!

I was born in the era of the bra burners. Yes I came screaming into the world sixteen hours later at the height of the feminist movement: Roe v. Wade. The burning rituals as screaming women railed against a society that had suffocated, stifled and abused us all.
Now, fast forward some 30 plus odd years and I find myself struggling, flailing and railing against a system that expects me to be able to do it all. I was raised by a stay at home mom, who gave up her career as a nurse to stay home and take care of her kids. My dad worked and my mom well she was home. So alas no bra burners existed in my family, in fact I had no clue about feminists until I was in college the second time around.
So I am laying in bed with my second husband, mind you it took over six years to even consider marriage again, he was very convincing. I am a feminist and heartily stand up for what I feel is right for women, and he has heard my anger on more than one occasion. I stray, but anyway I am laying in bed exhausted, worn out, beyond fried from my long day. I blurted out, what happened to the 50's where women knew their job and men knew theirs? I slapped my hand over my mouth almost afraid to admit I had just committed the feminist's unpardonable sin. I had asked for the simple days where moms stayed home and the men shouldered the heavy labor.
After much contemplation I look at my life and wonder, can there be a happy medium some where?  Or do I take on another lover? This women or man for that matter would be my extra arms, legs and brain while attending college classes full time, cooking, running errands, or sweeping the dog hair up from under the kitchen cabinets when I can no longer lift one foot up to put in front of the other! Sex would be used as monetary means for this exchange but I find it ironic that I read a blog today where a mom told her husband she needed an extra lover just to help her deliver her three children to their soccer games, practices just so she could find a moment of free time for herself. My question of course is where does the extra energy for sex come into the picture? Just asking!
Have we come to this, where we actually realize that as  women in todays society and expectations that we honestly cannot do everything? I honestly believed I can be anything, do anything and manage my life just fine, but and yes there is a big but, granted we are not talking about my backside which gets larger as the stress increases and my exercise regime goes down the drain, but can we really do everything or have we created an illusion that leaves a large percentage of women such as myself struggling to hold everything together.
With two small step sons who are needy emotionally, I am finding I am filling the role of mother, mentor, disciplinarian, clothes picker upper, constant reminder; "How many times have I said that,"  seems to be my mantra these days as my anorexic basset hound refuses to eat her food, and paces across the kitchen floor during meals.
Granted I do not sound fair in that my husband is home and does a lot of the household work, while I attend school, manages the kids when I am in class etc. I would not be able to do half as much if he were not home right now, but isn't a house a women's?
I struggle with the dishes piled in the sink because we are both exhausted and can't seem to get up and put them into the dishwasher. I hate that I can not seem to keep papers, items from the kids schools, bills and other pieces of paper in one place and in some semblance of order. Maybe I am nit picking here, but my mom kept a spotless house, granted we did a lot of the work, dressed up in aprons and hankies tied around our hair pretending to be housekeepers for my mother. Oh the desperate means we go to to teach our children something, I honestly do not know how my mother kept a house, a garden, home schooled too girls successfully, managed the dog, cat, goats and other animals that found their way onto our property. How did she can and freeze food for winter, work the garden, plant, harvest and keep a beautiful rock garden in the middle of now where?
I can't seem to do half of what she did, and I think I seriously need an answer, as a 30's ish mother, student, wife, daughter and caretaker of a handicapped mother in law, where are those extra arms when you need them.